#18 No Vacancy

No Vacancy

The sky didn’t show up
that day.
It was empty where it
would’ve been.
Something flat and gray
tugged at my peripheral vision
and wanted to creep in.

The truth is,
I don’t remember much
from that day.
I remember the coat I wore.
It had been my sister’s
and I recall seeing my brother-in-law
flinch as I walked over,
like for a second he’d seen a ghost.
I remember parking and walking alone
across the grass.
Why was I alone?

I think I know what happened,
but I really can’t remember.
We probably stood around her grave,
said something.
Maybe I didn’t say anything.
I think my voice was
absent with the sky.

We probably stood forlornly
looking at the gravestone
that now held two names,
my father’s
and
my sister’s.
Was it a comfort
that they had each other?
Or heartbreaking that they were both gone?
I can’t remember if I felt sad
or nothing at all.

I don’t know if we went somewhere together after
or each went our own ways.
I vaguely recall going to Starbucks.
I can see it.
But it seems like such a strange idea,
I think it can’t be true.
Maybe we went in her honor.
Ordered a double latte, half cappuccino, decaf, regular,
extra foam, lots of sugar, none at all, frappuccino, bagel on the side, cream cheese full on, muffin, biscotti, sandwich,
something, anything, all of the whole damn glass case,
just please fill this void inside of me.